Holding Up

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Blogging, Faith, Family, Holidays, Living in Hawaii, Marathon training and running, Marriage, Middle Age, Philanthropy, Poetry, Self-care, Self-esteem, Teaching, Teenagers

It’s now December which for me means my busiest time of year as a professional fundraiser and, since, I moved to Hawaii, marathon season. I’m the marathon coach at our school, and in the five years since a friend and I started out as the team, we’ve raised more than $10,000. We’ve grown to 15 participants this year.

Personally, I’m hoping to finish my 23rd marathon tomorrow, and, for my own self-esteem, two more the following weekend. I know that the dream of completing a 24th and 25th this year is selfish. It’s put stress on my family, not to mention my legs! I hope to pull back in the years ahead so I can be a better husband and father.

I also teach German and poetry at my school and sometimes offer my students pearls of wisdom which they usually receive with humor but also an earnestness that surprises me given they are teenagers!

When I do offer those pearls shaped by a middle-aged guy’s life experiences, I try to live by them. Otherwise, I think very bright and alert teenagers would see right through them!

So here are a few insights that nicely intersect with the latest group poem my students and I have drafted:

1) Stay upright — both in class (I see so many teenagers these days slumped over and I wonder if it’s because they have been on their phones all night), and during a marathon!

2) Choose wisely — whether it’s words or pace in a marathon, stay in your comfort zone while you are stretching for a little more.

3) Understand the path you are taking and adapt. No two poems and no two marathons are the same, even if as a poet you return to themes you’ve explored before or as a marathoner you go back to your favorite course.

4) Enjoy the unknown. As writers and athletes, we may have a good sense of how a poem and marathon may turn out, but we never really know until we finish!

This poem drafted in the picture above will get better this week when the students and I meet once more before Winter Break. I look forward to sharing the new version and letting readers know how our team made out in the marathon before I try for two more next Saturday and Sunday.

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Reaching for Miracles While Staying Grounded

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Blogging, Education, Environment, Faith, Family, Fate, Fulbright Program, Holidays, Living in Hawaii, Marathon training and running, Middle Age, Philanthropy, Poetry, Quakerism, Teaching, Teenagers, Vincent van Gogh, Writing

Dear Readers,

It’s been a while since my last post that I had written last week before the Thanksgiving holiday.

My students and I had finished composing a poem based on Vincent van Gogh’s Starry Night, striving to understand the light in van Gogh’s painting, and sharing the Light with others to inspire hope. The poem and the creativity of teenagers who at my request are forbidden to look at their phones while we write together carried us all into the thick of holiday season.

And then the unexpected occurred. I took a picture of our group poem with my phone which I have had for only two years. (I thought I could make it through life without one just like I have never owned a credit card.) The burst of light that came through on the picture shown on this post was due to how I held my phone — or was it?

As a Quaker, the theme of Light carries me every day. I believe in miracles.

But I also believe you have to be open and allow them to happen.

It takes courage to do so. And sometimes a little effort.

When I lived in a monastery in my early 20s, I joined the community of monks to begin praying at 4 a.m. They had told me that there was less noise at that hour and God could hear more clearly.

But what was I doing in a monastery in my early 20s?

I had received a Fulbright scholarship and taught in a monastic school in Austria in the mornings and studied at the University of Vienna in the afternoons. The monks invited me to join their community.

It was a miracle I had received a Fulbright. I’m not brilliant. But I put myself out there, applied for one, and, as the miracle drew nearer, allowed myself to believe.

It changed my life. I had wanted to be a writer for Sports Illustrated. Instead, I moved to Austria, later worked at an embassy, and, after moving back to the United States, became a philanthropy professional.

Luckily, I’m also able to teach a few classes and luckily, the teenagers who sign up for them open up about their dreams and hopes.

My message to them: keep one foot rooted in what you need to accomplish every day, and let the other foot move high above the ground as you reach for more. Miracles really do happen.

 

Thanksgiving: The Unexpected Light

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Blogging, Buddhism, Faith, Fate, Gratitude, Marathon training and running, Middle Age, Philanthropy, Poetry, Quakerism, Teaching, Writing

My last post was about Vincent van Gogh’s painting, Starry Night, and the poem my students and I wrote about it. We all took turns, each of us adding a line that fit with the one before it and anticipating lines that would come after.

By the time I saw my students again in our poetry workshop, a week had gone by. I only teach this workshop twice a week, on Mondays and Fridays, and last Monday was a holiday.

It was by chance that my students and I had focused on Starry Night. I had a different lesson plan prepared when I saw a computer cover with the painting on the floor and picked it up. I turned my mild annoyance about the messy habits of teenagers into a new lesson where the students and I explored the loneliness and hope we saw in the painting.

It turned out to be a lesson in my personal life last week although I did not share that with my students.

Middle age definitely comes with highs and lows. At the beginning of the week, I was filled with great hope about a possible new chapter in my life that ended up being put on hold and now may never happen.

Just like when my students and I discover how lines of a poem usually move a verse to a meaningful conclusion, this chapter seemed to fit. And then the line was erased, gently and in retrospect not altogether surprisingly. But it still would have been nice if the line could have been worked in!

On that day, though, for some reason unknown to me, many students in the school where I work mostly as an administrator gave me high fives. A few who had never spoken to me before said they wanted to learn German or poetry. It was as if they sensed I needed those high fives! And I was grateful for them.

Later in the week, one of my former high school classmates posted a clipping about my having won a national writing award when I was a teenager from the nostalgia column — Remember When — the local newspaper runs. Thousands of miles away from difficult teenage years, many of my former classmates whom I have not seen for a long time were excited to know that not only did I survive those years, but that I was still writing poetry in English and German!

So maybe the disappointment I felt earlier is a harbinger of hope. Maybe the line was meant to be written a certain way. Maybe what I teach my students — stay true to yourself and passions even if the miles you put in are sometimes painful — is a lesson for me every day as well.

My Thanksgiving message to readers of Tennis, Trisomy 21, and Taking in Life Together: look at the two pictures at the beginning of this post. Do you see more clearly the Light in the closer view of the second picture of the poem my students and I worked on? When I took the picture, I had focused on the words of Starry Night, not the Light that came with them.

Hope is given to us even if at the time we don’t know it. We just have to be open to it.

 

 

Poem in Progress: My Students’ Version of Starry Night

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Blogging, Faith, Marathon training and running, Middle Age, Poetry, Teaching, Teenagers, Writing

In my last post, I wrote that my students and I had begun to compose a poem together, our own version of Starry Night based on the painting by Vincent van Gogh. I had changed my lesson plan that day after picking up a computer cover version of van Gogh’s often reproduced masterpiece off the classroom floor.

During the poetry workshop, I had also referred to Anne Sexton’s poem, The Starry Night, but fortunately was not able to recite it nor did I have it with me.

I write fortunately because the themes of Anne Sexton’s poem are stunning and haunting, but also deal with subjects I’m not going to explore with teenagers in great detail. I leave that to their parents, counselors, or experts in particular fields. I am just a full-time administrator who also teaches two subjects I have loved my entire life: German language and poetry. I can strive to convey how loving anything, including friends, music and sports, and staying faithful to that love is worthwhile, but that is what I want my role to be with teenagers right now.

I can, though, also take students through writing a poem from scratch to almost finished. Most often, I believe a poem is never truly finished even when it is published.

Isn’t that like anything in life? I’ve now completed 22 marathons, and will be aiming to finish three more next month, but given the chance, I would do parts of them differently. Poetry gives you that chance!

But enough of my philosophical thoughts at 5:30 a.m.! My family is still asleep, and I have miles to go before they begin their day, so I will post a picture of our unfinished poem and write next week about how the students and I wrote it together, line by line.

 

Keeping the Streak Alive!

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Blogging, Faith, Family, Fate, Living in Hawaii, Marathon training and running, Middle Age, Parenting, Poetry, Quakerism, Writing

Dear Readers,

I’ve always finished a marathon — all 22 I’ve entered so far.

I can’t remember the last deadline I’ve missed.

I was the kind of guy who always turned in his homework early, probably one of many reasons why I wasn’t exactly popular.

Since I began this blog, I’ve never missed posts that I’ve promised so that my readers know when to expect them.

On a weekend where I wanted but could not bear to follow the news about the Supreme Court, I was fortunate that hula rehearsals, performances, and an all-consuming gala were front and center for my husband, daughter and me — really the only world that mattered for us.

I did squeeze in a few online courses for professional training for my job before I crawled into bed last night.

Then I work up this morning and gasped! Had I really missed my first promised blog post ever?

Then I remembered: Columbus Day!

I don’t even support the holiday, but it gave me an out —I don’t post on holidays or holiday weekends.

So I’ve kept the streak alive and I promise a poem or a post about poetry this weekend.

I try to keep my promises!

Thank you for all your support of this blog.

Edge of Appalachia and OCD

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Appalachia, Blogging, Coaching, Faith, Fate, Growing up gay, Living in Hawaii, Marathon training and running, Middle Age, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, Philanthropy, Poetry, Quakerism, The '80s, Writing

Dear Readers,

An unexpected occurrence jolted my Sunday a bit. I’m glad I ran 13.1 miles in training, the equivalent of a half-marathon, beforehand. That helped me feel grounded.

I promised a poem in my last post about this picture:

Since I have now begun “coaching” poets, it’s probably time to write about poems that are incomplete.

They start out with inspiration. Sometimes, that awakening results in an immediate poem. I had that happen once when I was a teenager on a snowy day on my paper route. I couldn’t wait to make it back home and write my poem. The words came almost without thinking. They simply came out. Months later I received an award for the poem.

Sometimes, inspiration leads to just a good title and the poem comes later. The picture I took last week is an example. If I ever write an autobiography (and I often wonder who except for a few close friends and family would read it!), it would be called The Edge of Appalachia for all kinds of reasons.

To this day, I can’t believe I survived my youth on the edge of Appalachia, nor for that matter my 20s and 30s in other corners of the world!

Maybe part of the reason is that I have always met deadlines — for poetry contests, my work in philanthropy, as a writer and editor, and even self-imposed deadlines for marathons and personal blogs!

I also, and this is a huge step for me, need to admit I suffer from mild Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I’ve had it diagnosed. I’ve been told I don’t need medication, but I do need to face the fact that it’s part of my life, who I am, what I will live with until my last breath. My husband, daughter, good friends, and a sense of humor have helped a great deal!

I probably survived the ’80s and ’90s as a young gay man because of OCD. I’ve been meticulous about being safe even though I’m a hopeless romantic.

I am also a bit meticulous about my writing and poetry.

I want to do justice to what Quakers would call a “weighty” title to a poem like Edge of Appalachia.

Stay tuned and thank you for your patience!

Poem on Hold

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Blogging, Faith, Friendship, Gratitude, Living in Hawaii, Marathon training and running, Middle Age, Parenting, Poetry

Dear Readers,

In my third year of writing this blog, I am writing a poem every weekend, sometimes about themes I have covered in the first two years.

A friend recently asked how long it took me to write a new poem. Well, to be quite frank, usually an hour where I first write words, and, if uninterrupted, finish a draft, walk a way for a bit, revise, walk away again, and then finish the poem by the third or fourth draft. My friend was surprised, but I’ve been writing poetry since I was seven years old!

Two disclaimers:

1. 1. Sometimes a poem has been floating around in my head for years or a few days. When it’s ready to come out, it does.
   2. Months or even years later, I revise some of my poems. About 70 percent of the time, though, once my new poem is finished, it’s finished.

While I look forward to writing 40 or more poems this third year Tennis, Trisomy 21, and Taking in Life Together, I’m unfortunately not a full-time poet. I am just a middle-aged dad in a career with plenty of vicissitudes, who in lieu of creating a poem will once in a while finish a marathon like I did yesterday.

I’m happy to say I’ve never been drained by writing poetry, and I’ve been doing that much longer than running marathons. Yesterday, I finished my 22nd marathon on a Saturday in a Hawaii summer on a very challenging course that included three loops with Heartbreak Hill!

As you can see from the picture with this post, I celebrated with my daughter. I wish my husband had been part of the picture, but he did all he could to coordinate the photo op!

This morning, I walked five miles to shake off lactic acid and devote more time to fatherhood. The poem I had planned for this weekend is on hold until next weekend. It’s very much in draft form right now in my head!

If for any reason, I sound less than fully grateful about this weekend, I want to make sure readers know I could never have finished my 22nd marathon without the full support of my husband, daughter, the amazing organizer of the Hawaii Kai Ultra Run, and, of course, the other runners who became fast friends. Although the marathon distance is the same — 26.2 miles — the number of participants is in the hundreds rather than the thousands.

This is the second summer I have taken part in the Hawaii Kai Ultra Run in July, and both times I have savored helping and being helped by dozens of women and men challenging themselves to do the distance. I think that is why many of us stayed long after we had finished to congratulate as many fellow runners as we could before we returned to our homes in Hawaii, or flew back to the Mainland, to our friends and family, to our jobs, to looking after our kids, to keeping up with the laundry, maybe even to starting a new poem. I hope to be back on the course next summer.

Consistency

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Blogging, Faith, Family, Fitness, Friendship, Gratitude, Growing up gay, Marathon training and running, Middle Age, Parenting, Poetry, Quakerism, Writing

Dear Readers,

Thank you for reading my posts these last two years, for taking time out of your day to get to know my family and me.

Blogging has opened up new worlds for me. I now follow 20 fellow bloggers from different parts of the world. Every time I read one of your posts, I can feel my brain accumulating healthy layers of insights! Sometimes I laugh or cry. Sometimes, as a good Quaker, I’m just silent! I am grateful to have joined the blogging community.

I also have been able to stay in touch with new and old friends in what I consider a more meaningful way than Facebook posts. And I’ve gotten to know my husband and our daughter better as they often are the subjects of my blog posts!

Writing has always rescued me. I first had a poem published when I was 7 years old. By the time I was graduated from high school, I had been harassed verbally and physically every day for several years, but I had also won 15 or so national writing awards, most of them for poetry. I even had poems shown at museums and statewide arts exhibits.

In many ways, my writing voice has often been more confident than my speaking voice. I’ve written and spoken English and German all my life. As a gay man of my generation, for decades I could trust my written more than my spoken words to convey the me I wanted to convey. Fortunately, for the past 20 years, I’ve embraced who I am even without feeling like I have to win an award to be accepted.

In my heart of hearts I’ve known I’m not as natural or gifted a writer as many people are, but I’m pretty determined, and I love consistency!

Which is why in three weeks I will look to finish my 22nd marathon, why making deadlines has always felt good, why I’m starting my third year of writing this blog with hope.

Like most of us, I have felt time rushing by as I’ve gotten older. For the first year of this blog, I wrote every day except weekends and holidays; in the second year, just two days a week as I juggled other priorities such as taking a more active role in raising our young daughter and becoming a better friend (and yes, making work goals!).

In my third year, I will endeavor to write a poem a week as my post, although I’m stating in writing that I will occasionally go back to prose! I feel the new format for this blog will help me become a better poet because it will enforce a discipline for which I could otherwise make excuses: I had too many work deadlines, for example, or my daughter’s homework took over our lives this week, or I was just too tired.

A wonderful friend and artist told me 20 years ago, “I paint every day no matter what. Try to write a poem every day.”

My friend didn’t run marathons or raise children, but his message has stayed with me. I’m going to honor him in a modified way: at least one poem a week. I hope you will like the poetry, dear readers! Please feel free to give me your feedback. Thank you for being part of my life and for letting me be part of yours.

Father’s Day and Gratitude

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Blogging, Buddhism, Community, Faith, Family, Gay parenting, Gratitude, Living in Hawaii, Marathon training and running, Middle Age, Presidential election, Trisomy 21

Well, our Father’s Day was a success, and my appreciation for it has increased at least a hundred times once I saw images of families separated at the border who are trying to enter the United States.

I was stunned, and on the Monday after Father’s Day I closed the door to my office a few times and cried.

Never did I imagine that in my lifetime I would witness people elected to serve their country push the envelope of human decency by ripping children away from their parents. In fact, my husband and I made a decision to leave Germany with our daughter, who was then a baby, and moved back to the United States where we are citizens because for our bright, beautiful girl born with an extra chromosome, America is still the Land of Opportunity where she has a better chance of realizing all her potential.

And now I’ve read that Donald Trump’s former campaign manager has refused to apologize for his sarcasm about a 10-year-old girl with Down Syndrome who reportedly was separated from her mother in South Texas.

What has this country come to?

Have any of the men and women who have endorsed separating families ever spent time in a cage? Have they ever had their children taken from them?

As challenging as parenting can be at times, I look at our new Father’s Day family portrait with renewed gratitude for the welcoming community we have found in Hawaii, for our neighbors who embrace our daughter, for her wonderful teachers who bring out her many strengths, for all the joy she and we have discovered here.

I wish I could package some of that joy up and send it to the families and especially the children at the border.

Tapering for Father’s Day

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Blogging, Faith, Family, Fate, Gratitude, Living in Hawaii, Marathon training and running, Middle Age, Parenting, Philanthropy, Quakerism

When the regular school year is over, many students and faculty disappear for family vacations or individual travel dreams. Some work summer jobs away from school, often outdoors, and return looking tan, fit, and refreshed. Still others appear for a few hours or so at school for summer sessions and then leave for the rest of the day.

I have always found that hanging around less a few times a year at work is better for everyone, especially in small learning communities where the intensity during the traditional academic year can be like training for a marathon week after week with the same people. All distance runners I’ve known take precautions for overtraining. Many are wise to savor the camaraderie of running together but also appreciate a few miles just on their own (while grateful for the distances they’ve reached with friends).

Which is my segue into my Father’s Day weekend post!

As many followers of this blog know, I’m an administrator (or facilitator of philanthropy as I like to be called!) at a small, wonderful school in Hawaii. I’m also a marathoner, a father of a young child and a poet.

We’ve now crossed the halfway mark in June. And I’m feeling it! The miles that I start to log in usually start the second or third week in July when I’m working to prepare for the new school year are really catching up with me now, some 11 months later. And I still need a strong finish for the two weeks left in the current fiscal year!

But I’ve been a facilitator of philanthropy in small learning communities for 22 years now. And I’m training for my 22nd marathon. In fact, in a few hours, I will start my long run of 20 miles before I start to taper down for my event in July.

So after this weekend I will be in taper mode — officially tapering off at work for a few weeks and running fewer miles to save my legs!

I’m not a great traveler, but fortunately I live in Hawaii in my family so I’m not yearning to find a dream destination. I’m already living in the most beautiful place on earth!

Instead, I’m celebrating after my training today with a new haircut, by savoring Father’s Day weekend with my husband and our daughter, and gradually becoming a bit more scarce at work for the rest of June and early July.

And not only saving my legs, but saving myself from burnout.

With or without a new haircut, I want for my sake and my colleagues’ sake to make myself a bit scarce during the one time of year when I can, to show my face a little less, to enjoy hours of Quaker silence before all the noise returns.

Why? So that I can stay in good shape for many, many more marathons — both the actual and metaphorical distances in life that I would miss terribly if they weren’t part of my life.